Confessions of Blonde Idiot
by Teknogeddon
Summary: The story of how a blonde idiot hid a dog from his boyfriend. A big dog. A REALLY big dog.


Confessions of a Blonde Maniac.

Roxas

January 9th 2011.

3:20PM

You know everyone has a time at least one episode in their life where they do something impossibly stupid . Well. It's my time to shine.

I ran over a dog. Well almost. I felt so bad that I took it to the vet to have it checked out, and you know what? I am now the proud adopter of a Bull Mastiff- German Sheppard puppy that was a stray on the street.

Before anyone gets confused it's a puppy. It was wet, dirty, fluffy irrevocably adorable but my boyfriend Axel hates dogs.

Axel and I have been together for nearly two years now, we share a small one bed room, one bath condo with a balcony in downtown Atlanta. As I said, Axel hates dogs.

My solution to this is simple, hide the nameless dog from him until I simply can't get rid of it then maybe just maybe reveal its furry beast of a self to Axel. As of right now, he is unaware of the puppy I have hidden in the sliding door closet even though he's just in the living room

Nameless the puppy is probably hungry and probably should go out before it pees on Axel's favorite shoes or worse This should be fun.

-Roxas

I shut the notebook and turned my attention to the closet. Opening the door, a very happy puppy toddled out, tripping over it's own feet a couple times. Aww. So cute. I led it out to the balcony and waited. Strangely, it seemed to wait on me as well, cocking its head to the side. "Well go on, do something " I ushered.

Again. It stared at me, a slight wag of the tail telling me it had no idea what I was saying and was just happy to be out of the closet. I sighed what to do? I had to get the pup downstairs but how?

--

"Rox what are you doing?"

"Uhh it's women's sympathy month," I said grinning, rubbing the large lump at my stomach.

At this Axel raised an eyebrow. "Rox we don't like women. We're gay."

"Well it's pro-life," I lied quickly. "I support babies."

He shrugged. "Well whatever, just don't bleed on the carpet and ask me to buy you a box of ladies fem. products."

"I'll buy my own women's products thank you," I huffed, strutting out the door.

Once I reached the elevator, I sat the puppy on the floor, itching slightly. The puppy padded around me on its thin, belt leash picked a nice corner of the elevator hiked his little leg and let it go.

January 11, 2011.

3:59

I forgot to mention. My dog isn't housetrained yet. I now have to pay for the cleanup of the elevator.

Without Axel knowing great. Maybe if he questions it I can tell him my water broke even though I'll never stop hearing about it for the next century.

-Rox

"Hey Rox where did that pro-life thing go?"

"I returned it!" I yelled out the door, startling the puppy a little. "It was terrible! I'm proud to be a gay man!"

"I'll drink to that!" Axel yelled back through the door.

PS: Thank god my boyfriend is an idiot.

____

January 13th 2011

4:54 PM

Did I mention this was a stupid idea? Well it IS. The puppy eats like a horse, it's a good thing I have a small day job and a separate bank account.

Axel is thankfully still partially oblivious, but he's been noticing the strange occurrences around the condo. Like his pillow smelling like dog . His shoes being wet and slobbery and then, worse yet, the occasional whimpering.

Yet again, I had to lie to my beloved idiot of a boyfriend. I have convinced him that I am lycanthropic. Oddly, he is perfectly okay with this on the conditions that I don't mark the walls, hump his leg when he's asleep (It's okay when he's awake I guess I dunno) , or chew on the furniture.

Nameless is proving to be a good little dog. I really should name him

-Roxas

I turned my attention to Nameless, laying across Axel's pillow. As soon as I noticed him, his little tail started wagging and I cooed at how cute it was.

"Roxas I'm home!"

Oh crap. I grabbed the puppy and shoved it under my pillow, managing to turn back around and restrain the puppy with the pillow and my back as I grinned innocently before he walked in.

He paused. "You okay? You look strange."

"I'm fine!" I said, far too quickly.

He looked confused and weirded out, but didn't say anything just walked over to his closet and grabbed his jacket. "It's getting cold out," he explained, shrugging the jacket on. "But I'm going to get some milk. I'll be right back."

"Take your time, I'm in no hurry. No hurry at all." I positively beamed at him.

He paused "O kay."

The pillow shuffled.

"What is that?"

"What is what?" I asked.

"That!" He said as the pillow shuffled a little more. "What is that? Is that a rat?"

See. Told you his was stupid. "Oh that," I drawled. "It's a dysfunctional back massager. Kicks on randomly " I said patting the pillow. "Stupid thing won't turn off for long. I plan on taking it back."

He still looked very confused. "Okay well I'll be back."

He stepped outside and I didn't move until I heard the condo door lock. Lifting the pillow I found Nameless, a little annoyed but unharmed. "Good boy," I said petting him. "Let's go out."

It wagged its tail and hopped off the bed, bouncing around me as I attached on its tiny, handmade leash. We made our way through the complex and out back to the dog park. I walked Nameless around, ignoring the calls of girls and jabs of men. I was getting used to it.

A flash of red caught my attention, I rushed over to the closest girl and handed her the leash and tried to look casual.

"Rox what are you doing here?" Axel asked innocently.

"Me? What about you?"

"I forgot my wallet " he said in reply.

"Me ?" I said happily. "I'm getting fresh air. MMMmmm FRESH AIR." I inhaled deeply.

It was COLD.

Axel heard a yip and turned down to see Nameless, still being held by a random girl who looked very confused. "Ew looks like a bunny and Chewbaca had a baby "

I tried not to look insulted.

---

January 27th, 2011.

4:12PM

He's onto me. I know he is.

I'm absolutely positive.

The jerk brought home a cat today. A small, black tabby that he promptly named Sebastian. It's nearly full grown and it apparently hates me.

I have no problem with cats just this one. Nameless is more my style. Obedient, loyal Nameless. I just prefer dogs over cats, sue me. It doesn't help with Sebastian is just plain evil. The cat chews on my clothes, licks my hair, and then pees on my pillow when I tell him to stop usually I'm asleep for this whole ordeal well until the demon spawn pees on me.

I hate that damn cat. It coughed up a hairball in my Fruit Loops.

And as if to make my life even more of a living hell Axel finds all this hilarious.

-Roxas

---

Jan. 30th, 2011.

7:21

Axel is freaking out. The demon cat came out of the bedroom growling and covered in saliva. My brilliant genius of a boyfriend thinks I had a lycanthropic lapse and used his cat as a chew toy which is scary close to the truth. Truly I threw the cat in the closet with Nameless for a few minutes. But Axel doesn't have to know that.

In addition, he's become worried that I've gone too far with the lycanthropic ordeal and put me in therapy.

After words, we go to couple therapy. He thinks this thing going on with me has damaged our relationship because we rarely spend time together anymore. Sweet but stupid.

This is because I'm with Nameless but again. He doesn't know that, so basically yeah. I'm cheating on my boyfriend with a dog.

Axel you're a genius.

The dog got bigger too, so now I have to sneak him out at night and he lives on the balcony with a few towels. WD-40 has become my best friend. Take that squeaking door. I own you literally. But anyway my life is turning into living hell because of all this.

Perfect. Just freaking perfect. -Roxas

I put the notebook away and pat Nameless on his furry head, he seemed to smile, wagging his broom like tail. I told him to come on, and led him to the balcony where I had laid out a bunch of newspaper.

The dog, already paper and house trained, did its business and I let it wander the apartment (a rare commodity) as I disposed of the evidence and washed my hands. I went downstairs and threw it away in the dumpster, washing my hands in the public bathroom before heading upstairs again. When I saw Axel reaching for the doorknob, Nameless just on the other side expecting me no doubt, I panicked.

I slammed myself against the fake wood and screamed "NO" like a retard.

"Rox ?" Axel said, eyebrows raised and eyes wide at this odd episode.

"Nodon'tgoin!" I stammered loudly.

"Why not? It's my home too ya know?"

I nodded, "Just just gimme a minute to put something away. It's really really messy in there."

He blankly stared at me as I slipped inside and locked the door. I began trying to shove Nameless onto the balcony, but the stubborn beast refused to move. I heard the door behind me and leapt up to slam it shut just as it opened. "OW!" Axel yelped, followed by a string of curses. "I think you broke my nose!"  
"Don't come in it's messy!" I yelled.

"Like I care- Oh god my nose is bleeding."

Ah crap I bit my lip and relocked the door. Axel would live. Nameless yelped as I kicked him the behind lightly as he trotted over to the balcony. Stupid dog. Sebastian hissed at me as I shut it.

"Was that a dog?"

"No that was was . The vacuum cleaner!"

Quickly I grabbed the vacuum cleaner and placed it where Nameless was sitting, just in case he caught a glimpse. The doorknob jiggled as he unlocked it again and then stepped inside, holding his nose.

The apartment was an absolute disaster. "SURPIRSE!"

"Surprise my ass ." He muttered, going to the bathroom to tend to his bleeding nose.

-

February 14th, 2011

9:16 PM

Normally on Valentines Day, couples go out to see a cheesy movie get dinner maybe have some fun in a paintball war or something couplish and fun like that.

Axel got the bright idea to start today off with a therapy session, where I proceeded to make a complete idiot of myself by complaining the entire time.

So he bought me chocolate.

Not so bad I guess.

Then he decided to take me to see his parents.

Axel's parents hate me. Why? I'm a guy. Do I need to explain why they would have a problem with their son romantically involved with another male? No. They simply hate my guts.

His father, a charming man named Cirrus decided to threaten to castrate me if I didn't break it off with his son in the next five minutes. His mother, Rena decided to back him up with saying it would be with a rusty spork. So yeah, that was the most fun filled, comfortable three hours of my life. I was guarding my dignity for all it was worth.

I hate his family. His parents want me dead, his sister wants me in completely unutterably ways that would burn the paper to ashes if I simply wrote a simple detail about and his cousin Kate

God I hate Kate.

She's like Sebastian, taking out her care and love by making me miserable.

Why can't there be more Nameless's in the world? Please fill me in.

Valentines wasn't so bad after we escaped that hell hole Axel bought me Chinese take out and we sat on the couch watching cheesy werewolf movies. (It covered up the whimpering).

Did I mention Axel is scared of horror movies? Yeah. He was really freaking out because he could have sworn it was right beside him.

No my dear Axel that's just the bedroom door and Nameless.

But again he doesn't know that.

-Roxas

-

March 15th 2011.

6:55PM

That dog is the size of a small horse. It's almost full size now, and barely fits on the balcony, and takes up half the bed. Nameless is really smart though, must be the Sheppard. He has learned the command 'Axel!' and when it is called he ducks into the closest hiding spot, for him usually under the bed.

I don't know how he manages that but he somehow squats down and shimmies under.

I'm not complaining.

Axel I think is starting to figure something out but I'm not sure what yet. For all I know, he thinks I'm plotting to blow up my workplace with firecrackers and an unfathomable amount of fruit loops.

I don't know don't bother asking. He has decided this will happen on the fourth of July because everyone wants to see flaming fruit loops fall out of the sky. I think this is a pun. But then again, it's Axel god only knows what that man is planning to torture us with.

But anyway, back to Nameless. I'm still pretty sure it'd be a horrendous idea to reveal him to Axel. For one, he's HUGE. And Axel hates a small dog. The bigger the dog, the more dog to hate.

Two: It's rather pricy for a dog. It ate his shoes last month and he chewed out the landlord about a rat infestation. (I'm glad he bought that, but now everyone in the complex believes we have beagle sized rats running around in our walls ) The landlord has yet to find any but the normal size and I seriously doubt he will. In addition to what the dog has destroyed, he eats and eats and eats and eats and eats.

The thing could take on a cow and still be hungry.

Three: Sebastian, who Axel has become so very fond of, hates Nameless. But then again, he hates me too, so I guess it doesn't really count.

So you get my gist yeah? I guess I could introduce it to his parents and see what they say when I told them it's Axel's and my baby. They'd probably shoot me at the front door.

My birthday is coming up maybe I should gift myself-

The door open and I jumped up like a scared girl. "Axel!"

Nameless was a asleep, groaned at me, and rolled back over.

"Axel Axel Axel!"

"WHAAAAAAAAT!?" I heard from the front door.

Superman time. I picked up the seventy pound dog and put it in the bathroom, shutting the door behind us both.

"Are you having fun in there?" Axel said, knocking.

"Oh uh yeah just- wait! NO! NO I'M NOT!"

He chuckled, "What's up? Need Midol now?"

Crap only one way to get out of this- "Shut up! I'm having constipation issues you moron!"- embarrass the hell out of myself.

"OH." He muttered outside.

"Yeah- OH."

"I'll uhm come back later " I heard his footsteps get lighter and lighter. I sighed and rubbed my hand on Nameless's neck.

"Good boy," I whispered. "come on "

I peeked out the door, opening it quietly. No Axel. I made the dor go outside and went back to the bathroom, faked some overdramatic noises, flushed, washed my hands, and went outside to face an endless amount of teasing.

"Did your tampon get stuck?"

"SHUT UP." I hissed, sitting down next to him on the couch.

That was too close for comfort.

--

March 25th.

I have no idea what time it is.

Two weeks before my birthday and Axel is plotting something. I know that casual smirk anywhere. He's plotting, that evil evil man. He better not invite his family Kate's idea of a surprise would be to shove a rabid wolverine in my pants. I'm a little worried.

Anyway, Nameless. I really need to name him. I can't walk my dog calling him Dog or Nameless all the time. But what? I need to make sure I can keep the monster hunting dog first.

There's a thought. Maybe I can convince him I got the dog because I was afraid of the boogy man.

But knowing Axel he'd turn it into a corny, terrible pick up line. Something like God I don't even know it's so terrible.

Anyway. I have no idea what's going on. All I know Is that I have a really bad feeling about this.

Quick, hide under a rock Roxas.

If it can save you from an atom bomb it can definitely save you this humiliation.

-Roxas

Nameless was nosing my foot. "What do you want?"

He sat down and wagged his tail, holding a rope bone in his mouth. "Okay fine " I said, caving in to the big greenish brown eyes and fluffy cuteness.

I grabbed one end of the bone and the dog and I began to wrestle for it.

Needless to say the dog won, stupid weak arms.

Later on Axel asked why my arms were sore. I told him I was doing pushups and he's now saying he'll do them with me.

I hate my luck.

---

April 1st.

April fools day I told Axel I threw his cat in a blender and fed it to him as a protein shake.

Remember when I said my boyfriend was stupid? This is proof. The idiot believed me and started crying.

Then Sebastian ruined for me and jumped on his lap, hissing a storm at me.

I still hate that damn cat.

Axel the buried his face into the black fur, and sobbed some more while yelling at me that I was a cruel and terrible person.

Later on he would say he crashed my car into a old folks home. I didn't fall for it.

Alas he wasn't kidding. Axel crashed into the sign of the Merry Folks Retirement Home. Least it was only the sign

An old woman nearly died of shock when I came to get him. Was that his grandma? I'd believe someone in his family could live that long. They're evil.

Nameless is now a proud, spunky dog. I love that mongrel. It would break my heart to get rid of him.

--Roxas

---

-April 10th, 2011-

Roxas K. Rokafellers Birthday.

12:30PM

"Hey Rox."

I looked up from my book. Here it comes. "What?"

"Care to explain this?"

He held up a collar. I nearly passed out. "I I'm watching the neighbor's dog."

He smiled. "Okay you could have told me sooner."

He was smirking. Oh GOD. HE KNOWS.

"Well I've got to get some cake supplies. I'll be back."

I nodded and he left, I let Nameless off the balcony and he hopped up on the large couch and laid his head on my lap. "He's evil. It can't be this simple." I said to the dog, running my fingers through his super soft fur. "It just can't be it's Axel."

The dog whimpered.

--

2:16

Something is wrong. He's just baking. Axel can bake.. but he always goes overboard. This time it's cake mix from a box with very little icing. Butter cake.

3:10

"Rox, come here."

I followed Axel out the door and he told me we were going to therapy. "ON MY BIRTHDAY!" I blurted. "HECK NOOOOOO!!"

He proceeded to pick me up and carry me over his shoulder, kicking and complaining like a small child, when he threw me in the car, he locked it. This was some kind of sick PLOT!

I unlocked the door and ran back inside, Axel somehow not catching me. Dick. Making me have a therapy session on my birthday.

I unlocked the door to a pitch black room. "Nameless?"

I heard a bark and the lights came on to see all my friends jumpy out at me with an overdone Axel signature cake.

Morons.

Nameless was on the couch and I panicked when I heard Axel say "Happy birthday." Behind me.

QUICK ACT NATURAL HE WON'T KNOW THE DOG IS YOURS!!!!

"Who's dog is that!?" I blurted out, oh so casually.

Axel pulled me back and shoved something in my hand, when I looked down I saw it was the collar from earlier. On a license plate it read 'DEMO PLATE.'

"What?" I muttered blankly.

"You don't want your own dog?" Axel asked me, smirking.

"What ? How did you what how?"

"I figured it out I read your journal," he said proudly.

That sick bastard. Wait... he KNEW!? I went through all this crap for NOTHING!?

He laughed at the expression on my face. "So who wants to help Rox name the dog and eat cake?"

I looked at the deco cake, "who was the cake for earlier?"

I watched a friend of mine sit the smaller, simple butter cake on the floor where Nameless proceeded to eat it nearly whole. My cake was devil's fudge cake with coconut and fudge icing Hell yeah.

April 10th 2011

10:11pm

The dog, now named Lexus is at the foot of the bed, sprawled over Axel's feet. They're both snoring. Sebastian is above his head.

So. This didn't turn out how I expected. I tortured myself for a couple months over a dog my boyfriend roommate knew about all along. (well. Not all along, just longer than I expected. Apparently he thought my freak outs were greatly amusing)

This just goes to show, couples should NOT keep secrets from each other but that doesn't mean go out and buy a dog. It means hide the dog better than I did.

Nah. Just kidding. Talk to them, make them feel bad.

Axel fell in love with Lexus when he was getting his shoes and found a large puppy sitting on them. It licked his hand and he was a goner. He has known about Lexus ever since, and let me keep him.

Sweet, but utterly dickish and I really wish he'd just confronted me about it.

I can't believe he read my journal! I'm putting a lock on this thing somehow.

I don't think now is a good time to tell him I plan on breeding Lexus puppies ladies and gentlemen. Untrained, possibly dumb as a rock puppies .

But then again

Axel doesn't have to know that.

PS: And I still hate that damn cat.

--Roxas K Rokafeller

Signing out.

I shut the book, patted Lexus on the head, smiled at Axel who was snoring again, turned off the light and went to sleep.

11 


End file.
